Monday, December 24, 2018

Merry Christmas Funk!

It don't even feel anything like Christmas to me this year. Even though I got to spend time with my friends and my family last week, once again, my Mother sucked out all of my positive energy with her selfish ways. I can't decide if I should try, once again, to mend a broken relationship with her, because she is getting old and won't be here forever, or if I should finally just let it all go. My sister finally let it stop bothering her, but I can't seem to do that. The way my mind and spirit work is that, once somebody has that much power over me to suck out my energy and put me in a huge funk, I can't even deal with them anymore, on ANY level. Maybe I need to seek professional help, or maybe I just need to finally realize that I am enough and that whatever rude, mean, cruel, ridiculous reasons my Mother has for not wanting to see me are HER problems, not mine. I've never felt like she really loved me or my sister...she just played the part and used us for her benefit when she needed us. I don't even think she knows how to love, or is capable of it. I don't think it's her fault, just how she's always been. She don't realize how it makes us feel with her hateful ways and I can no longer be a part of it. I don't want her to die, but often wonder what I would feel like if she did...would I have a huge weight lifted off my heart and my spirit...like an end to the constant chipping away of my feelings for her...it just eats away at me. I'm always reading quotes and poetry and really try to live and breath the words. This one, in particular
 makes so much sense to me. I'm only sad about things that have already happened, things that I can never change, or do anything about. And then I'm anxious about the future, thinking my Mother will all of a sudden be a loving, caring, nurturing human, after 80 years of not being any of those things. But HOW do I just "live in the now". That's going to be a challenge for me, but I'm going to make it a new way of thinking for me --- my life depends on it! I can't keep going down the rabbit hole, because I'm afraid I will end up stuck down there and never come out. And life is worth so much more than that to me and so worth it. Thanks for reading my ramblings...here's a picture of Broc, Paulette and our new precious puppy, Skye! 
Merry Christmas! 

love and peace always ~ Kathy

May you have warm words on a cold evening, A full moon on a dark night, and the road downhill all the way to your door. ~ Irish blessing 

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